Why steroids probe will fail, By: Jim Brockman

April 23, 2006, Herald Today

Don't look for baseball commissioner Bud Selig to start rounding up steroid abusers in paddy wagons and hauling them off to baseball purgatory anytime soon. Even if he had that kind of power, where would he start? When Babe Ruth played hung over? When amphetamines became the rage in the 1960s? When Sammy Sosa's forearms became bigger than Popeye's? Here are five more reasons Major League Baseball's investigation of steroid abuse will go nowhere.

5 St. Louis slugger Mark McGwire refuses to talk about the past. So there. Hey, pass me the rest of that andro, will ya?

4 Years of abusing steroids causes acne and hair loss. Suspected users can't be expected to be seen in public at a hearing without the proper mood lighting.

3 Dredging up memories of a 73-homer season will only make Barry Bonds' new reality show that much more vapid.

2 We would have to listen to Curt Schilling testify again with his halo perfectly in place. Who cares, Curt?

1 The Barry Bonds Network (sometimes referred to as ESPN) would have to resort to more innovative and intelligent programming. By the way, when does The Stuart Scott Variety Hour debut?