Tim Greening: Oh, just let 'em take the dang steroids already

October 7, 2006

Sports fans, join me as we rub the crystal ball and look five years into the future, when most major sports organizations have just given up and legalized performance-enhancing substances. "»

Welcome to ESPN Radio, where it's been an exciting day. First, let's go out to NBC Sports and Bob Costas at the Summer Olympics.

Bob Costas: Many feel history is about to be made in track and field "» (bang!) "» there she goes, Marion Jones is about to do it "» and she does "» MARION JONES HAS JUST BROKEN THE

4-SECOND MILE!

Wow! A record that has stood for two days has finally been broken. Al Michaels, who would have thought it?

Michaels: I don't think anybody would have expected this, except the people who have seen her take one minute off of her sprint times every day this week. Hold on, we happen to have an update from Major League Baseball, here's Tim McCarver with Fox Sports:

McCarver: Thank you, Al. A real interesting duel happening out here in San Francisco as Houston Astros pitcher Roger Clemens and slugger Barry Bonds duel it out in Candlestick Park. Clemens, now freed to take all the steroids he wants, is humming in his fastballs at 708 miles per hour, thus far striking out 117 straight batters, shattering 17 records and four catchers' hands.

The only exception is Barry Bonds, now 518 pounds of solid muscle, and when he faces Clemens, he hits the ball so hard that San Francisco International Airport has diverted all flights in order to avoid the unpleasantness of last week, when a Bonds foul ball knocked a 747 out of the sky, killing all on board.

Costas: Ouch! That's gotta hurt!

Michaels: Hold on, I'm being told we've got an NFL update from CBS Sports' Chris Collinsworth in Oakland. Go ahead, Chris!

Collinsworth: Thank you, Al. Buffalo quarterback J.P. Losman's head was ripped off his body by 540-pound Raiders lineman L'Eugene Stupowitz, who may face suspension and a hefty fine. Not for ripping Losman's head off, but for smiling after he did it.

"That kind of celebratory activity can't be tolerated," said new NFL commissioner Donald Rumsfeld.

Bills' doctors say the headless Losman is listed as questionable for next week's game against Pittsburgh. Back to you, Bob Costas.

Costas: Thank you, Chris. Fans are enjoying a special treat at the track and field events, as Jesse Owens has just taken the field.

Michaels: Is he any relation to THE Jesse Owens?

Costas: Actually, he is THE Jesse Owens. Today's performance-enhancing drugs are so strong they can actually reanimate dead athletes. In fact, former greats Joe DiMaggio and Johnny Unitas have been revived as well.

Michaels: Wow! That's great. Are we going to get to see them play?

Costas: We're not sure. So far, they just look at what's happening to their beloved sports and weep.