The Debriefing: On Steroids, Tim Couch, Roller Skating, And Why I Just Don't Care

Aug 30, 2007

If you strip away all the negative connotations that have come to be associated with the term "performance-enhancing drugs," and you just worst look at the words themselves ... it really doesn't seem like that bad of an idea.

Drugs to enhance performance. Well, sure, that's what they're for. We seem to find the notion of performance-enhancing drugs perfectly acceptable in the world of music, don't we? If someone asked you if we could go back in time, and eliminate all music that was ever recorded or inspired under the influence of drugs, and we could trade it for a completely drug-free musical history ... if you say you'd make that trade, I might like to sock you in the face.

(Also at the bottom: ... Greg Maddux is SPRY ... A nation of football watchers says goodbye to Pink, and we're certainly going to miss him ... I'm wondering about Yi Jianlian's contract negotiations ... and Bernard Lagat, welcome, my American brother ... )

Of all the social justices in the world, performance enhancers in sports was always going to be near the bottom of my personal list of concerns. These are adults, making decisions for themselves. All things considered, yes, I suppose I'd rather have a level playing field for everyone ... but since when has a level playing field ever been guaranteed for anyone in America?

I've always felt like I was left off the bandwagon of rage over steroids in sports, but even I was given pause by two new steroid stories surfaced this week.

First, I ran across this story, about a 41-year old man in Florida who purchased anabolic steroids for his 13-year-old son, so that his son could make a roller-skating team. Then there was Tim Couch's admission that he had at least a brief dalliance with Human Growth Hormone. These two stories threw me for a bit of a loop.

We'll start with the 13-year-old and his deranged father, because the one anti-steroid argument I was down with was that it's a bad influence on the kiddies. Their insane parents are enough for them to deal with ... we don't need to add steroid confusion to the mix.

Now, it's not hard to work up a little hateful bile towards the 'roiders in a case like this. But you've got to look at the variables here. Number one, a father's giving his son steroids, with immediately suggests to me that the father is crazier than a bag of angel dust (thank you, Biggie, and whatever substances helped you write that line), and since he appears to be playing a large role in his child's life ... well, that doesn't give the kid a great shot at being normal, either.

The other variable ... you know, I hate to be insensitive to roller skaters, but come on ... I mean, it's roller skating. How many normal roller skaters do you know? Maybe dad gave junior the steroids to boost his performance, and thus, his self-esteem ... but if we're looking for a self-esteem boost here, old man, I've got an idea. Get the boy out of roller skates, and buy him a damn football. Then maybe the kids in his class will stop calling him Nancy.

Seriously ... steroids for roller skating? What's the long-term plan here, pops, a career for the boy in professional men's roller derby? He's better off apprenticing as a cobbler or a blacksmith.

There's a wesbite for Men’s Roller Derby, and I hate to judge a book by its cover, but I don't think this website was created by people who have made millions in men's roller derby.

Now, an equally-insane father giving his high-school linebacker son a big bag of steroids ... obviously, on moral grounds, it's just as reprehensible, but I can at least see a goal in mind. It, even if it's still sick and twisted, has some kind of a reasonable desired outcome at the end.

If I saw that dad weeping in front of a judge, saying he just wanted his kid to have a chance at a scholarship, so he helped him take a shortcut ... I could at least feel a little sympathy. At least it's a plan that could have tangible results ... if he's lucky, a scholarship, and if he's more than lucky, a shot at lifetime financial security in the NFL.

Which brings us back to Tim Couch and his admitted HGH use. Actually, I guess it doesn't, since I don't know if we can consider Tim Couch a professional athlete at the moment. But he once was, and he wants to be again.

Yahoo! (I really wish I could make everyone use an exclamation point after my name ... I'm going to name my first son "Bob!") dug up some information that showed Couch was prescribed a drug regimen including steroids and HGH. Couch says he never used steroids, and only took the HGH for a week.

My first thought was, "Tim freaking Couch was juicing? Well, then that's it ... everyone's juicing." He just seemed like the most unlikely of candidates. Guys don't get drafted #1 overall if they don't already have the physical attributes ... and you'd think that quarterback, where the brain is the biggest key to success, would be one of the positions less susceptible to steroid abuse.

Of course, there's another side to that coin, too. After a minute, I thought to myself, "If Tim freaking Couch is on HGH and/or steroids, then isn't this the ultimate endorsement against the effectiveness of steroids?" If Tim Couch was on the juice, and still performing like Tim Couch ... then you could almost convince me that Shawne Merriman would've had more sacks last year if he had never used steroids.

So I'm back to where I started ... not happy about the use of steroids in sports, but not all that upset about it, either. I'm not the moral police ... clearly. These guys can choose to do what they want with their bodies. I'd rather the kids weren't affected by it, but hey, there are a lot of things in this world I'd rather kids weren't subjected to ... like Britney Spears, Dude, Where's My Car, morning radio DJs, Happy Meals, and R Kelly.

It can be a confusing issue. Fortunately, we've got the music of people like Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Aerosmith, and Tupac to comfort us in these troubling times.