Andro, steroids to keep McGwire out of Hall, By: Malcolm Aboud

November 30, 2006

The Dallas Cowboys released kicker Mike Vanderjagt Monday, frustrated with the Oakville native’s 13-for-18 season field-goal mark. Though Vanderjagt is statistically the most accurate kicker in NFL history, his consistency vanished quicker than Peyton Manning’s Super Bowl hopes in last season’s playoffs when the former Colts kicker shanked what should have been the game-winning kick against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Vanderjagt will be replaced by veteran Martin Gramatica and can spend his newfound spare time drunkenly dissing quarterbacks and frosting his tips.

The Toronto Blue Jays re-signed catcher Greg Zaun to a two-year, $7.25-million contract this week after a reported deal with free-agent backstop Rod Barajas fell through at the last minute.

With Bengie Molina opting for free agency, Zaun can finally play baseball rather than bitching about his lack of playing time.

The baseball writers’ Hall of Fame ballot was released Monday, featuring first-time candidates Mark McGwire, Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken Jr. and Jose Canseco.

The bigger news came, however, from an Associated Press poll indicating only one in four eligible voters plan on casting a ballot in McGwire’s favour. Apparently, the Hall of Fame only recognizes accomplishments achieved without performance-enhancing drugs.

The University of Alabama fired football coach Mike Shula this week after he led the team to a disappointing 6-6 record, marking its fourth coaching turnover in six years. Since the last three coaching changes have worked so well, why not try another?

Tuesday night’s matchup between the Edmonton Oilers and Anaheim Ducks marked defenceman Chris Pronger’s return to the city he almost won a Stanley Cup with last season.

For Pronger, it seems dealing with an arena of booing fans isn’t half as tough as living in Edmonton, which he found so unbearable he demanded a trade after last season. A real class act.

While he’s remained silent about his reason for leaving the Oilers, rumour has it Pronger’s wife demanded the trade after learning her husband impregnated a local reporter. Apparently Alberta women love gapped teeth.