Steroid use at Weber State, By: Jon McBride

Athlete’s drug use believed to cause mysterious behavior

April 01, 2006

It was nearly one year ago when a newly recruited Weber State University athlete realized he needed to do something to stand out from the rest of his team and get the recognition he deserved.

To get that recognition, John Jeffries started taking performance-enhancing drugs. He used a steroid that gave him the muscle mass to stand out and become a star player on his team.

As the season ended and time went by, Jeffries found it difficult to come up with the money to buy his steroids. He got involved in a drug ring that proved to not only be dangerous, but also unreliable.

Without Jeffries knowing it, he was being supplied with estrogen pills instead of steroids.

The change was gradual, but others around him could notice it.

“At first I thought he was just becoming more sensitive and compassionate towards other people,” said Ryan Carpenter, friend and teammate of Jeffries. “I guess it was when he started to watch ‘America’s Next Top Model’ a lot that I really started to worry about him. Or maybe it was before that I started worrying, when he started wearing dresses?”

Soon Jeffries had let go of his athletic dreams and began pursuing a career in interior design.

“He would just come over to my apartment and want to talk about color schemes or picking out new curtains with me,” Carpenter said. “It really freaked me out when he turned off a basketball game because I wasn’t paying attention to his idea for new sequin throw pillows. It was at that point when I contacted his family back East and told them what was up.”

A thorough investigation began. Friends, family, coaches and specialty scientists tried to get to the bottom of Jeffries’ strange behavior. The conclusion drawn was Jeffries had been eating an increase of Toll House cookies with pink frosting, and the pink color must have evaporated in Jeffries’ stomach, then rose and intermingled with his brainwaves.

“I saw such a predicament take place on an episode of ‘Animaniacs’ many years ago — that was the major factor that came into play in diagnosing the cause,” said Ivan Vishnovsky, supposed feminine behavior scientist. “Everyone thought I was some kind of scientist — I’m not a scientist. But I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.”

Vishnovsky was soon asked to leave, and the real cause remained a mystery for a few weeks. Jeffries then began to get in touch with his inner self, and saw his physical appearance as being superficial. He attempted to quit taking the pills he still thought were steroids, but could not cut the habit — he was addicted. In an attempt to receive help with his addiction, he finally told his family and friends he was taking steroids.

“We figured out this was the cause of John’s problems,” Carpenter said. “When I found out steroids could do that to you, I immediately stopped taking them myself. That’s a lesson for all of the kids out there — don’t do drugs because they’ll turn you into a girl.”

Everyone other than Carpenter figured out steroids can’t really have such a side effect. After examining the pills, everyone finally found out what had happened.

Jeffries is currently in a state-of-the-art rehabilitation center for girly-men. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. T and Chuck Norris run the center with the philosophy of culmination of girly-man elimination.

Jeffries’ friends, family and coaches are all expecting a speedy and full recovery to masculinity.